Sleeping...or lack thereof...

Having 4 children all under the age of five years old is so much fun... you know in that, "I don't remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours" kind of way. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love my children, but I truly hate motherhood past 10 pm. If you are on duty as a mom and it is past 10 pm, nothing good is coming out of it. You are dealing with nightmares, bed wetters, puke, you get the picture. NOTHING good happens past 10 pm if you are a mom. After the last few weeks with my kids, I swear it's like they are plotting against me.

 Last night, my four year old woke up after only being asleep for a couple hours with a bad dream. I calmed her down only to wake up the baby on the way down stairs... after a bottle I make my way down stairs. I started watching my favorite show (Game of Thrones... if you haven't seen it you should see it. But start at season one or you will be totally lost) anywho, as I was saying... I was watching my show and 10 minutes later our 2 year old meanders down the stairs for a cuddle. Adorable yes, but sometimes you want a break you know? Oy. So we cuddle and she falls back asleep so we march her back to bed. Finally after feeding the baby and soothing her back to sleep (because of course I wake her again on the way downstairs) I give up and we head to bed. Once in bed, the baby wakes up about 12, then 2, then 4:30 for a variety of reasons. Meanwhile my two year old, again, has snuck into bed next to me at some point before the 12 o'clock feeding. When I nudge my husband to scoot over, I realize he can't. Our three year old has snuck in next to him! So we are 4 bodies wide in a queen bed. Fantastic. Nothing screams neck cramp and a two-pot-of-coffee day like sleeping with your children.

Really though, when does it end? Don't get me wrong, not every night is like this. Usually it is just our 6 month old who wakes us at night. It seems like a chain reaction with our children. Like they are running some sort of parent torcher drill......

"Okay, Tucker- you're up next. Bella started us off and refused to go to bed until 10 pm tonight. Hannah will wake them up around midnight to keep their sleep broken. I recommend kicking dad in the ribs between 2am-4am. He hates that. The I will shove my hand in mom's face from 2am-4:30am...Hannah said she would cry and relieve me from my duties at 4:30am with a surprise poopy diaper and an extreme thirst for a fresh bottle that will require a trip down to the kitchen for Mom!"

On more than one occasion. there have been so many of my children in our bed that I have slept on the floor. Yes, I gave up my bed to them and slept on the ground just so I could close my eyes for another 30 minutes. My husband often sleeps in one of their beds when this happens. He has more ambition than me. I just barrel roll off the bed and use a dirty shirt as a blanket. I could sleep on a bed of nails if it meant peace for even 4 strait hours. On nights like this I can't help but think their conversation goes a little something like this...

"Good work guys! We got a full evacuation of the sleeping area. Exactly what we like to see during this type of sleep deprivation exercise. Just a reminder we are going to do a bed wetting drill next week. It is scheduled for the day after mom washes our sheets at 2:30 am. Now, I thought we would start the morning off with a fight over who was sitting the sofa first. Any volunteers?"

I fell asleep twice while typing this. Not even joking.

Down with the Nuk Fairy!

My two year old is very strong willed. She has her own way of doing things, and if she doesn't want to something... she won't. Period. Well, my little Autumn is a "Nuk Kid". She loves it. She constantly has her "nukkie" in her mouth sucking away. Now that she is two, I keep getting sideways glances from all the crunchy moms in town and have decided its time to wean her. Things are not going so well. I told her that the Nuk Fairy came and took her Nuk's to all the babies that need them. Now that she is a big girl, she doesn't need it. Let me just tell you, Autumn wants to kill that thieving bitch!

She has gone into full blown riot mode here. Hopefully after a week or so she will get over it and move one, but I do know one thing. That Nuk fairy better stay far away from our house and when it comes time, I fear for the tooth fairy. Autumn officially HATES fairies.

Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?

Anyone with a toddlers knows that you will answer endless questions. Today has just started. It is 7:05 am. My 3 year old son, Tucker, has asked me if he can wear his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle tee shirt 18 times already. I counted, 18 times. My daughter asked if she can play outside when after breakfast, 8 times. My two year old asked me for a cuppy 6 times, after I got her a cuppy she begged me for her Nuk 9 times. Thank gosh the dog can't talk, he hasn't been outside yet and I can only imagine the questions I would get from him.

After meeting everyone's needs a new set of questions and needs arises... this is an endless cycle of questions. Over and over and over again. Eventually they all wear out from their question asking and fall asleep at 7pm. I usually stare blankly at the wall twitching from all the question answering.... until the ultimate question is asked. This question comes in two forms in my house... it is asked the SECOND I sit down and get relaxed after a long day. This question haunts me...

The final question of the day...

Mommmmmmmmmmy, can I have a glass of water???

in another form:

Mommmmmmmmmmy, can I go potty???

My response to these two questions is usually (mommy confession) a scary toned, angry yell that goes something like this...

"GET YOUR TUSH IN BED NOW!!!!????" (insert scary, mad mommy face)
Sweet dreams! I love you!

Ah, I would write more, but I have a Ninja Turtle shirt to find... (19 times)

Read About Work... After Work?

My husband always laughs at me when I tell him the latest book I am reading, or writing. He thinks it is so funny that I really focus my reading on crude, humor based books around motherhood. I rarely read parenting books that teach, well, parenting. Why? Well for one, I am kinda a know-it-all and (mommy confession) being a mother of four, think I seriously know more than the author of ANY parenting book. Is that cocky? Probably. But the main reason why I do not read parenting books is this: as a stay at home mother, my life is consumed by motherhood. I live and breath my children. My escape is the grocery store, where I buy them food. Everything I am is my children. All four of them. All the time.

After any person gets off work, do they want to read a book about how they could have done their job better? My husband is a train conductor. When he asked me why I read crude mommy books this was my reply: Here is a book on how to drive a train, sit down and read it. Maybe even study it. You just worked hours 12 hours which is at least 2 hours less than my day. I also am "on call" for a midnight feeding and a 3am feeding. I am supposed to read a serious book on how to stay calm during this? How it improve myself as a mother? Reflect on what I am doing wrong, and how I am to fix it? I am still alive, the children are still alive, we ate, bathed, and are in bed. We laughed, we cried, we even learned a little. We did it. The day is done. Mission accomplished. Why should I read a book making me feel like a failure because I didn't do it the way someone else may? This is a war zone, buddy. A very blessed, full of love, war zone. We are all just doing our best, getting though the tough days and loving the good days. The last thing I will do is read a book about work, after I get off work. That's crazy talk  right there.

Don't get me wrong here... I love my family. I love my life. But, some days those little toddlers/preschoolers drive me freaking nutty. Seriously nutty. On those days or anyday really, the last thing I will do is feel bad about trying my hardest.

Ever have a mommy day that just leaves you feeling....

Today, I took the kids hiking and it ends in a mud disaster. The children race into the house before me and leave piles of mud on the floor from their shoes, racer stripes of mud along the newly painted walls from their dirty fingers, and a bath tub full of dirt after I hosed them down. As my mother would say... cleaning the house while the children are growing is a lot like shoveling while it's still snowing....

To sum it up....

Hoarders: Crazy Pregnant Lady Edition

What is it about being pregnant that makes you a hoarder? If you are pregnant with your first child, by the time you are six months along you will be classified as a complete hoarder. When I was pregnant with my first baby it was summer, aka garage sale season. I would go out just about every weekend and search for anything baby related and buy it. My neighborhood had a giant rummage sale and I had car loads of stuff. Car loads. Old toys, clothing, coats, shoes, onesies, furniture... the list goes on.

The best part about being a pregnant hoarder is the fact that NO ONE will talk you out of it. I don't care if you have had 10 kids and are a baby whisperer... I don't care if you are Michelle Duggar...

 

I NEED this wipe warmer. You know what?

I need TWO wipe warmers, one for upstairs and one for downstairs.

I don't care if you think it's not useful, I have to have it.

I know I already bought one, but these two match baby's room better.

So, whatever, if one breaks we will have a spare.

The baby HAS to have warm baby wipes.

 

In all honesty, I had this type of conversation about 20 times during my first pregnancy (and about 10-15 times in the last three pregnancies). There is just something about expecting a baby that makes you need it all. Then as if your obsessive shopping isn't enough, we insist on having a party to gather more shit for this baby. The BABY SHOWER.

 

 Once your pile ALL of your baby junk into the house and spend 2-3 months organizing it you may finally feel ready to have this baby. After ALL your rummage sale-ing, Craigslisting, collecting from friends, baby showering, you will actually utter these words...

 

"Okay, now one more trip to Target to just get everything else off my registry that I didn't get at my shower..."

 

and a week after that...

 

"Okay, another trip, just to make sure I have EVERYTHING."

 

How is it possible that we actually find it necessary to go to the store after all this? You know we all do it. The best part is, there are family and friends ALL around us just watching us hoard this ton-age of baby junk. They just sit and watch quietly. I think the best part of ALL this baby hoarding is the fact that at NO point does anyone try to stop us. Know why? Because over the last 9 months we have morphed into this crazy emotional pregnant person and if someone tries to take away my ability to buy one more pack of onesies...even though I have 15 packs already... I will cut a bitch. It is 100% that they think you are fucking crazy and it's easier for them to spend hundreds of dollars on shit you may, or may not use then deal with you. Period. That's why no one tries to stop you. Don't you wish life was like that ALL the time? Happy shopping mommies to be! 



Craigslist...

Have you ever bought something on Craigslist? It's the best website in the world... but sometimes it almost feels like playing Russian roulette! I mean really, is it smart to contact a total stranger off the internet and ask them where they live so you can come buy their old junk? You never know what you are getting yourself into.

Moreover, the scariest part of Craigslist is selling. Recently I posted an add for an couple of old dressers we had. Essentially, the furniture is in decent condition. They are white painted wicker and over the years they are starting to chip and wear. I just wanted to make some quick cash and look for some new dressers to replace them. I had a few replies to my post with people looking to buy this furniture...

Buyer number one texts me about the dressers and literally spelled them "dresars". I know it was not a typo- it happened twice. Plus, you know it wasn't sneaky auto correct because "dresars" is not a word. I double checked with Words with Friends and it concurred it was "not a word". Boom. I never even replied to this person because I figure if you don't know how to spell dressers I don't want you to know where I live.

Buyer number two had left me a voicemail and was an older sounding man. He had a voice that sounded like a chainsaw and it was bone-chilling. This could have been Santa Claus for all I knew, but hell he sounded really scary... so I did the only logical thing. I erased the message and waited for buyer number three.

Buyer number three called... She was a super friendly mom. She also had 4 children and I could tell she was a really nice woman. I had finally thought I found the perfect buyer. However, then she said this... "I wonder if I bought the dressers if I could just paint them, they would look like new! Do you think they would take paint?" Long story short, I made up an excuse... got off the line... and plan to paint my dressers this summer. Thanks mystery Craigslist mommy friend, what a great idea! FYI she called me back like 3 times that week and I never answered... who knew I was the weirdo the whole time?!