Craigslist...

Have you ever bought something on Craigslist? It's the best website in the world... but sometimes it almost feels like playing Russian roulette! I mean really, is it smart to contact a total stranger off the internet and ask them where they live so you can come buy their old junk? You never know what you are getting yourself into.

Moreover, the scariest part of Craigslist is selling. Recently I posted an add for an couple of old dressers we had. Essentially, the furniture is in decent condition. They are white painted wicker and over the years they are starting to chip and wear. I just wanted to make some quick cash and look for some new dressers to replace them. I had a few replies to my post with people looking to buy this furniture...

Buyer number one texts me about the dressers and literally spelled them "dresars". I know it was not a typo- it happened twice. Plus, you know it wasn't sneaky auto correct because "dresars" is not a word. I double checked with Words with Friends and it concurred it was "not a word". Boom. I never even replied to this person because I figure if you don't know how to spell dressers I don't want you to know where I live.

Buyer number two had left me a voicemail and was an older sounding man. He had a voice that sounded like a chainsaw and it was bone-chilling. This could have been Santa Claus for all I knew, but hell he sounded really scary... so I did the only logical thing. I erased the message and waited for buyer number three.

Buyer number three called... She was a super friendly mom. She also had 4 children and I could tell she was a really nice woman. I had finally thought I found the perfect buyer. However, then she said this... "I wonder if I bought the dressers if I could just paint them, they would look like new! Do you think they would take paint?" Long story short, I made up an excuse... got off the line... and plan to paint my dressers this summer. Thanks mystery Craigslist mommy friend, what a great idea! FYI she called me back like 3 times that week and I never answered... who knew I was the weirdo the whole time?!

TGI freaking F

As a stay at home mom I think we all have a day when we say.. fuck it. I mean it. You know what that day is? That day is Friday at 3 pm. By Friday at 3 pm, they could burn the damn house down and I seriously would not care. I may even be glad because I won't have to clean it anymore. By 3pm on Friday my toddlers are in full riot mode.

What is that? Your sister stole your barbie? Deal with it. I don't get why my kids constantly tattle on each other. You know what I did when my sister stole my barbie? I grab her hair and pulled that shit until she gave it back. (and vise versa) Eventually we didn't take each other barbies... okay, we did but we were at least sneaky about it.

You're jumping from the ottoman to the couch to the chair? You know your not allowed yet you giggle at me while you do it. Whatever, just don't land on the dog.

You pull out all the spoons from the draw and bang your toys with them... I hide in the bathroom from the noise with the baby... seriously.

You bring your crackers out to the living room and smash them into the carpet that I literally JUST vacuumed.... I pushed the ottoman over the mess and I got myself some coffee .

My 2 year old is tossing dog food into the dog water... tough break Gauge.

This was literally my last hour... all I want to do when my husband gets home is run for it. Mommy confession: sometimes I say I have to go to the store for something, when in reality we don't need anything. I just have to get out of the house so I don't go postal on someone. When I leave I turn the radio up in the truck as loud as it goes and dance... I am sure people see me but I don't care... for the three minute drive to the store I just need to escape the hellish reality that is a stay at home mom's life in the middle of winter with 4 children 4 and under. I love my children and feel very grateful to be a stay at home mom, but holy hell after 5 days without Daddy... My sanity is very debatable. Debatable to the point that dancing to country music in the truck with people watching me doesn't phase me in the least. Enjoy the show!

The Post Baby Body.

 Youth is wasted on the young. I realize how ridiculous that sounds coming from a 26 year old. However, my body is 26 going on... well... 90? Anyways, after 4 children things aren't where they used to be. I am nursing and have two different sized boobs. Seriously, I have a D cup and a B cup. Bra shopping is a bitch. On top of that I have spider veins that are horrendous. Then there is the adorable popped balloon tummy we all get after we have the baby. It's fantastic. I think back to when I was 20, before children. I had a flat tummy, long lean legs. If  I could go back in time I would literally just walk around naked all-day-long... (or until I got arrested).

Fast forward to today... what on earth is with girls these days? I live in a college town so needless to say there are college kids everywhere. I was at the grocery store the other day and these adorable college girls were shopping and wearing oversized sweatpants tucked into dirty ugg boots. They had sloppy hair tossed into a bun and dirty hooded sweatshirts on. What the hell? Essentially we were wearing the same outfit- however I was wearing it because it's the only thing that fits over my awkwardly large hips at the moment... what is their excuse? I wanted to shake them "THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THAT OUTFIT! Trust me sweetie- wear high heels everywhere you go, just because you can." 

Oh, how I took forgranted my amazing body. It will take a mild form of anorexia and a marathon of running to get it back now... and honestly, who wants to do that? Pass the chips, those skinny college girls can have at it. Work it sister...

Gauge, Our Catdog

We call our oversized black lab, Gauge. Two things to know about him: he is a good 30 pounds overweight (not like I should talk) and he is a neurotic mess. He is scared of everything and will plow over a child at any given second if that creepy pink barbie car gets to close to him. When he isn't being torchered by barbie cars and children trying to ride him, he is asleep. He literally is a giant cat that takes up half of the living room.

Feeling like maybe a little exercise will do him some good... I took him for a walk. When I did try to walk him, we went one block and I dragged him home, up hill. That means, walking DOWN hill tired him out. Who gets tired walking down hill?  When he gets to go outside and run around like a normal happy dog, he doesn't. He literally cringes at the thought. He does his business and stands at the back door crying and barking to come back inside as if he has been left out there for hooooours. Oh, and if it's snowing or raining he opts to stay inside. He will see the weather is not suitable for him and literally walk away from the door and go lay down again. He may not have gone out in 13 hours, but he insist he can wait it out.  To get him outside when it's raining you literally have physically push him outside. Even then, he has just stood there and waited until I let him back inside. I figure he doesn't want to get his paws muddy. What a cat.

Now because of this lack in physical activity (and the eating of many fallen chicken nuggets) Gauge has at least 30 extra pounds on him. He quite literally has sleep apnea because of his weight. For real. He snores so loud that he HAS to sleep down stairs and even then keeps me awake at night. You would think the newborn would be the sleeping problem at night? Nope, not at all. It's Gauge. The snoring isn't even the worst part... the waking up is. At least once a night my morbidly obese dog wakes up in total panic realizing he has stopped breathing. He heaves and snorts so loudly that he sounds like he is being water-boarded. Once he realizes he is awake, he will give another few snorts before drifting back into a mind numbing snoring sleep again.

Since the exercise routine didn't pan out for old Gauge, this winter I attempted to put Gauge on a diet.  He glared at me for a month. No joke- he glared. Everytime the kids ate I would pick up anything they dropped in an effort to prevent Gauge from eating it.  Everytime I picked up food I could hear him calling me a bitch with his eyes. Well, maybe this summer we will have better luck getting old Gauge to get his workout on. At this point he could easily be excused for a Shar Pei. Maybe we will just stick with that?

Rescue Dog

Confessions...

Things I have said or done as a mother... this one will be updated as time goes on...

My parents came to see us recently and my dad saw that I kept my deodorant in the kitchen cupboard. He asked why? My response was simple... if I put it in the bathroom, they will eat it of course!

When else in life does a person scream bloody murder for hours on end just because they have to poop. Never.

Don't scoop ranch with your whole hand and then lick it off.

Don't lick the baby.

Please stop beating the door with your feet. I hear that you are awake with your screaming- the kicking is unnecessary.

I literally dare someone to break into my house... Oh good, a free helper!

For my birthday I seriously got $70 worth of coffee shop gift cards, and it was hands down the best present ever.

Hubby, "I got called for the train tonight, I will be home tomorrow."
Me, "hello? Pizza Hut?"

Stop eating the dish soap bubbles, they look pretty but are not food.

My neighbor "Gauge is loose want me to get him?"
Me "He isn't loose, I set him free."

Flour isn't the same as sugar don't try to sneak it like your doing something naughty. I am telling you not to eat it off the counter because it tastes like shit.

Don't eat the core to your apple (seeds, stem, and all)- you throw that part away. (They ate it anyways)

Coffee grounds aren't sand. But they are expensive.

No you can't have a bite of the lemon. No. No. No. No. Oh my GOSH! Stop asking. NO. NO. Fine, you want a bite? Fine, here.... told you so.

NO do NOT touch the dog there!

Don't you hate when toilet paper is stuck to the bathroom wall? Nothing makes you want to disinfect your entire house more than that.

Stop eating the playdough, your poop is going to be blue....again.

I realized we only had enough ice cream left for me or them. I told them we were out, put them to bed, and ate it.

Because Big Mac Trumps Salad...

So I had a baby 4 weeks ago and I am still fat. I have friends who pop babies out and literally look better than I did before I got pregnant. They come home from the hospital in their "pre pregnancy" pants. Hell, I am still at least 3 months off of anything that has a button to close it. (I love that it's almost spring so I can pull of the "athletic" look and just wear stretch yoga pants until October. That should buy me some time.)  You know what though? I earned my fat. I earned every single pound of it. I mean come on, did I really think I could eat shit for 9 months and look hot after? Really? Clearly No, Rebecca. Eating Taco Bell only gets you one place, to fat town. Now, this being said... who eats a salad for lunch when they are are a starving pregnant person? Those skinny bitches that's who! Yes, but eating a giant Big Mac (extra sauce) and a large fry while starving and pregnant is the best thing ever... if you are lucky enough to get a nap after it will become an out of body experience. Anyways, I earned my fat. I made me gain 30 some odd pounds and the giant baby caused the "popped balloon tummy" that I am left with. Some odd combination of running and reduced fat wheat thins should do the trick. But look out world, this hungry hungry hippo is on a diet and for some reason, it turns me into a bitch. Nothing is worse than hunger after eating whatever and whenever you want for 9 months!